I need to go to the morgue. My husband is there

КА: Katya Alexander

ОБ: Olga Berezka

КА: Where are you located territorially now?

ОБ: In Germany.

КА: And how old are you?

ОБ: 32.

КА: You have two little ones?

ОБ: Three children.

КА: For some reason I thought it was two.

ОБ: I have two little daughters and a son.

КА: And they're all with you?

ОБ: Yes, all with me.

КА: Now you probably don't work with three children?

ОБ: I very much look forward to the moment when I can return to my home in Ukraine and continue my activities there, both work-related and living with the children.

КА: And what did you work as?

ОБ: I worked at the Mariupol city council, in the Department of Administrative Services.

КА: So it turns out you served the city?

ОБ: Yes. Maybe you know the Center for Administrative Services (CNAP). So I worked in one of the CNAPs in the city of Mariupol.

КА: Everything is clear here, thank you for clarifying the information. Let's start from the very beginning. I want to ask you right away: if something will be unpleasant for you, uncomfortable, if you don't want to answer something, that's absolutely normal. Just tell me: Katya, I don't want to talk about this. I don't want you to be uncomfortable in any way. I would like to approach this from afar, I understand this might be very difficult, but I would like to ask you to tell me a little about your family's story before the full-scale invasion. About how you met your husband, what kind of couple you were, how you lived. To try to learn a little more about the five of you.

ОБ: We were an ideal couple, because somehow everything happened for us in such a way that everything was very mutual and very ideal. Everything was as it should be, like in an ideal picture of the world. We met in Kharkiv. I graduated from university in Kharkiv and came to work in the Department of Tourism. My husband came to our city with an exhibition. There was an exhibition by one artist, and he was the administrator of this exhibition. We met there, and then I moved to Mariupol.

КА: Together with him?

ОБ: Yes, yes. He's from Mariupol himself. He was born in Mariupol, his parents were also born in Mariupol. He's a native Mariupol resident.

КА: And you're from Kharkiv?

ОБ: I'm from Kharkiv, yes. I got married and we decided that we would live in Mariupol.

КА: And what year did you meet?

ОБ: We met in 2014 and, just as I moved at that moment, when... We had a wedding, and literally six months later these actions in Donbas began. In Mariupol too we had a situation when tanks were driving, when there was also a large-scale conflict, but then they somehow stopped it. But then we stayed, because everything ended very quickly, we stayed and built our family. We had plans to stay in the city. Then I gave birth to my eldest daughter in 2015. In 2016 Liza was born, the second daughter. We saw that the city was developing. I started to really like it there, because from such a gray, unattractive city Mariupol became flourishing, beautiful, with huge beautiful parks, with squares. It was very, very beautiful, the sea in the city. My husband had a business. We lived, enjoyed life, made plans, thought that we would live long and happily, until February 24th came. Although you know, even on February 24th I wasn't sure that there would be something so terrible as what's happening to this day.

КА: Probably because in 2014 some things were already happening near Mariupol?

ОБ: Well yes. In 2014 I worked at an English school, it was located in the center. It was just Saturday, my shift. In the city they were already saying then that something would happen, you shouldn't go to work, but since, you know, you always believe in the best, it seems to you that in our time such things can't happen. I found myself in the very epicenter then, they were shooting, machine guns, machine gun bursts. Then, when we found ourselves locked in a building in the city center, we stood by the window, tanks were going, columns of tanks, we heard shots. Then I miraculously managed to get out of there, and our neighborhood, where we lived, nothing was happening there, somehow everything passed us by a little. Yes, I was very scared then. There was a moment when I was pregnant, when this conflict was in 2014-2015, my husband sent me to Kharkiv to my parents, because no one knew what would happen. He wanted to keep me safe this way. We started having some conversations then about maybe we need to move to Kharkiv, because of this situation. But then it ended so quickly, there was new government in the city already and everything was good. We lived, it was a good Ukrainian city, developed and there were no prerequisites to think that we needed to go somewhere.

КА: You talk about an ideal couple, about how everything coincided. Can you tell me a little about this, maybe some details? How was everything between you?

ОБ: I'm a rather secretive person, and my husband is very sociable. When we met, he first of all conquered me by the fact that he was always smiling, he was very smiley. Then I even started calling him, when I told my girlfriends, I said: "There's this Zhenya" - "What Zhenya?". I started calling him "smiley face". And today I have a son who looks very much like him, and he also walks around smiling all the time. He wakes up already with a smile on his face, just like Zhenya. He conquered me by being strong, masculine. He wasn't afraid to take responsibility, although he was then still very young, a year younger than me, very young. He wasn't afraid and conquered my heart, I actually was initially so unyielding, it seemed to me that we couldn't be together, because different cities - I'm from Kharkiv, I definitely couldn't go to Mariupol, because where is Kharkiv and where is Mariupol. But then I simply understood that this is the person who should be next to me, and I no longer had any doubts.

КА: You met and relatively quickly started?

ОБ: We met in April, in March, at the end of March, and in October I already got married. So yes, quite quickly. We didn't have long courtship. We possibly didn't know each other at all in some everyday sense, but we loved each other very much. So everything, it was such a logical ending. We got married, then our eldest daughter was born. And somehow we lived well like that, were happy and I couldn't think about such terrible things that happened to us. I still, when I browse the feed or news, and I come across interviews with girls, women who lost their loved ones in this war, I start empathizing with them, tears start flowing. I think: "How painful it is to lose loved ones". Then I sit and realize: "Wait, Olya. You also lost a loved one". I still don't believe that such a strong man, my Zhenya, who was always nearby, that war took him, and that he won't come. In my head this still doesn't fit and I don't know if such a moment will come when I understand and accept this.

КА: Maybe it's not necessary for it to come yet.

ОБ: Possibly, little time has passed. Although time doesn't heal at all.

КА: Unfortunately, from such a wound it's impossible to imagine what could heal. Forgive me, I sympathize with you very strongly. I can't even imagine for a second how painful and difficult it is for you. You are very strong, because to give such love to your children, you need to have very great strength inside. Let's move on to the full-scale war. In Mariupol, as in all of Ukraine, full-scale war began. What was happening? What did you decide to do?

ОБ: On February 24th at 4 or 5 in the morning my brothers from Kharkiv started calling me. They were in Kharkiv at that moment. I'll say this so it's more understandable: 2-3 days, even a week before February 24th, we could hear explosions. They said it was exercises. It would jolt me awake at night, I would wake up, wake everyone up, wake Zhenya, wake grandmother. Zhenya's grandmother lived with us. I said they were shooting, to which grandmother told me: "Oh calm down. Well, they're shooting, go to sleep. You're shaking everyone and shaking yourself". I'm generally such a person, I get very nervous when something doesn't go according to plan. Here I started shaking. I sort of calmed myself, said: "Well what are you doing, calm down. Everything's normal. Exercises". I calmed myself, but my body didn't listen to me, I had the shakes. Directly on February 24th I woke up from my brothers' calls. When I picked up the phone, they told me: "Olya, we have total hell here. War has simply started here". I woke up and woke Zhenya, I say: "Zhenya, war has started". He was so sleepy, he didn't understand, he says: "Olya, what war? Are they shooting? You know it's exercises". We somehow didn't even attach any significance to this. Zhenya woke up, went to work. The next day, when it was already very restless for us too... Zhenya is such a person, he never spared himself. For someone, for us, for the children, for me, he's always so strong. Even when he was sick, he didn't go to doctors. He said: "Nothing, it'll hurt and then stop". And so he went to work, I was already so restless. I started calling him, writing, saying: "Please come home". Around 12 o'clock he came home, says: "Yes, police cars are driving around the city. You can hear shooting everywhere". We were basically at home, he says: "Well, good, I'll have forced days off". He had his own auto service station, there were very many clients who had left their cars. He sat and said: "Well what is this? I need to go, because the cars, people are waiting there". When he understood how much they were already shooting at us... We have a distant neighborhood, but it was very loud. So we found ourselves at home, sat at home, watched some news. Of course, at that moment we still didn't understand that war had really started. We understood that something terrible was happening, but we thought it would be a day or two, three maximum. Relatives who were in Moscow called us. Then there was such an unpleasant conflict, they called and said: "Don't be afraid, everything's good. Now they'll enter the city, they'll save you. Two or three days and everything will be good. Don't worry". We understood that this was bad, that there were shots, that they were bombing. This conversation was such, a turning point. We then talked with Zhenya about: "What do you mean two or three days? Why is this happening at all?". There wasn't such fear yet. They disconnected our connection on March 2nd, there was no gas, no electricity, no connection and no water, nothing. That's when it was already scary. When we went outside, and shells were flying over us. This was already very scary and I was already crying hard then. I prayed every day, asked God to preserve, to stop all this. Of course, the question arose for us, what should we do: stay home or go to a safer place. Since there was no connection, we of course didn't understand where the safe place was, what was happening. We didn't know that the city was already closed from all sides, that we were in a cauldron. On the third we had a very strong hit, Zhenya was smoking outside, a shell flew over him. We have a maternity hospital there and somewhere there... Our walls were shaking, like they show in movies. It's impossible to convey. Zhenya ran into the house and said: "You have 20 minutes. Pack up. We're going to 17th". 17th - that's the city center. There was still gas there, according to our information, we could still somehow warm the children. It was already so cold for us that we slept dressed. My youngest son, he was 9 months old at that moment, he slept in a hat, I wrapped his hands, because it was very cold. Such a moment when you don't know how to act, what to do, stay home? You're afraid for the children, because the walls are already shaking, and you think that maybe you really need to go. We packed in 10 minutes. Me, our children and Zhenya's mom, my mother-in-law. We got in the car, took minimum things, because we still thought that now, maybe a week and we'll be home, everything will be good. We started driving. Already, when we were driving through our neighborhood, wires were lying around, everything was broken. We have tram tracks, and a shell hit there. When we were driving, this was already apocalypse, it was already so scary, we were driving, and I prayed that they just wouldn't hit our car, because we were driving under these endless sounds. My husband decided that we would go to our godparents. We arrived there, there really was still gas, they had warmth. We decided to stay there. Two days later there too they already disconnected everything completely, the gas. Just then there was frost outside, snow fell, it was about 7 degrees in the house. It was cold, there was no light, no water, candles were running out. Zhenya made them himself from beeswax. A man used to keep bees there, he died. We took this wax and Zhenya made candles so we could light them in the evening, because children, without light it would be very hard. Then hell began. Planes started flying over the house. These sounds you can never confuse with anything and never forget. We tried to go out during the day still in search of food. We walked, looked for diapers, because the diapers ran out, but it was difficult, because at that moment already the whole neighborhood... They were breaking into stores, people were carrying out everything they saw - what they needed and what they didn't need. This already looked like some terrible movie about the 90s, when around people walk, open, break into stores, glass, take out, drag everything. Everyone was going somewhere under the sounds of gunshots. You duck when something flies, this was already some kind of hell. So we sat in this horror, waited it out. We thought that there would be some evacuation soon, we thought there would be some corridors. We thought that at least loudspeakers would go around, inform people that there was such a possibility, but there was nothing like that. The only information that reached us - in the evening we would somehow turn on the phone and Donetsk People's Republic radio. These stations caught. There they always said that everything was bad, that negotiations didn't take place, because someone didn't come and each time you waited for them to say that everything was good, that everything was over, that you could not be afraid. At least you could be safe, and the children wouldn't wait for hits. So we sat.

КА: This is March?

ОБ: Yes, this is the month of March. March 8th was very strange, somehow quiet. We decided that we needed to return, because grandmother stayed at home. Zhenya said: "Let's try to go". We wrote on the car windows "Children" in big letters. We were very scared to go, but it was scarier to stay, because planes were flying all night. This was simply a game of survival. Essentially, there was no choice, since there was grandmother and we understood that maybe we made a mistake leaving home, our neighborhood is on the edge and maybe they're not bombing it anymore, and the worst hell is happening in the center. The epicenter is where we are.

КА: Did you know if they were bombing your neighborhood?

ОБ: We didn't know, because there was no information, no connection. We couldn't contact anyone. There was nothing. We could only in the line for water... I remember, we went into a store, still some last stores that were holding up, and they weren't being dismantled, they were still somehow working. A man was standing, he says: "I'm from another neighborhood". I asked: "Where are you from?". He says: "I'm from Illich". That's just the neighborhood where we live. And I asked: "How is it there? What's it like there?". He says: "Well there it's like the Donetsk People's Republic came in. They don't bomb there, it's already supposedly calmer there". On the 8th we decided to go. We were in the car, and our godparents decided to go there too. We drove through the whole city. I don't even know what word to say, it wasn't a city, it was some ruins. It was scary, some people were lying on the roads, power lines were all knocked down. Somehow we drove almost to our neighborhood. There you had to drive between houses, because they told us it was better not to drive on the main road, there was a tank standing there I think. We started driving, we're passing, people were standing there, getting water. We see this crowd, and they start shooting at our car. We understand that they're shooting at us. For a minute and a half, while we tried to get out of there, they were shooting at us.

КА: These were snipers?

ОБ: Yes, these were like machine guns. There was a bridge above, but I still don't know where they were shooting from. My husband maneuvered, there's such a thing, like downward. He jumped out of the car and says to our godfather, who was in another car: "No, we need to get out of here, because this is scary". We drive out and right before our eyes a rocket hits a nine-story building. In this building is our post office, in our neighborhood, very many of our friends lived in this nine-story building. These are all familiar places. It's very scary when right before your eyes a rocket hits directly or, I don't know, I don't really understand military equipment. But it was very scary. This was before our children's eyes. And Liza, the middle daughter, started screaming: "Mommy, grandma, grandma!". We were driving to grandma, to pick up grandma. She started crying with such force that I had ringing in my ears. We were driving, we were all shaking. I looked to see that everyone was whole, and we left. We returned back. Zhenya said that we wouldn't make any more attempts to leave, because it's impossible. We'll wait here.

КА: When they started shooting at you, how did the children react to this?

ОБ: This you know. These were such seconds when you couldn't... The children were very frightened. Little Vanya, he started crying, because all this commotion, this noise. No one could understand what was happening. When we managed to drive into the ravine, Zhenya said that they were shooting at us, so we can't go, although there was literally a kilometer and a half left to home, even less.

КА: So you didn't even understand at first that they were shooting at you?

ОБ: I heard these sounds, heard like knocking on the car. When we arrived, Zhenya says: "I didn't understand anything myself". This is somehow you know, like seconds, when something happens, you don't have time to understand and only then you understand what happened. In general, that day we didn't manage to return home. We returned back to the godparents, where we were. The 8th was such a lull, I even thought that maybe some negotiations happened, which is why we decided to go home. But the 9th and all night was hell, planes were flying, and such a sound, you know, when a plane flies low? We slept by the window, because there was no room. There were us, our friends' family and mom. We slept by the window, but we always had mattresses ready nearby. If anything, we all fell down and sat on the floor. When we were lying, these sounds started. I saw everything through the window, how all this was happening low, the planes. I don't even know, I have no words to say all this, because this is a feeling, this is your memory, which is forever immortalized. Even if I want to forget, I won't forget this. On the 9th it was also loud. In the morning, when curfew ended, from 8 you could go out for water, cook something on a fire. Zhenya said that we don't have diapers, it's very cold and we need to do something, because if Vanya gets sick, not having anything, no medicine, we could simply lose the child, it was very cold, we couldn't even warm up. Zhenya decided to go look for food, diapers. Then I waited for him, worried. I already saw these destroyed nine-story buildings that shells had hit. I already understood that this was scary, that you might not return from such a walk, let's say. He came then. On Stroiteley - that's such a neighborhood of ours, 1000 little things, there remained the last "Mirror" supermarket, which had a huge line. People stood to get something, to buy something, take something. Zhenya managed to stand in this line. He came with two packs of diapers, brought the children some purees, maybe you know...

КА: Fruto Nanny?

ОБ: Bob you know? Without sugar, snail Bob. He brought coconut flour, because there wasn't any other. And he also brought... I opened the bag and saw my favorite chocolate bar, Milka with coconut. He always brought it to me after work. It happened that it wasn't available anywhere, and he looked for it. And here at such a time, he brought a chocolate bar. I put it aside and thought I'd eat it later. The 9th was very scary. There were planes, Grad rockets were constantly flying. We constantly listened, from where to where. We saw that it was burning in the area of Azovstal, in the area of the Illich Steel and Iron Works black smoke. We saw all this, but I couldn't think for a minute that everything would be cut short. I somehow believed that Zhenya, that we were together, meant everything would be good. We already started talking about... Zhenya's station, his auto service, was not far from the place where we were. He said: "You know, we probably need to look for fuel so that in case we need to leave. I'll go to my station. I have gasoline in cars there. I need to take it so we can leave". He started thinking how to leave suddenly, if they give these corridors, what, how. Of course, these conversations, some hope appeared, although there were no corridors. We only heard that they supposedly gave some corridor, and then shot up the column. This was also: someone said, a neighbor came and passed on, collective information, unreliable information. The only thing we understood was that this was a nightmare, that this was what everyone is always afraid of - that this is war. On the 9th, all night I was shaking very strongly. Now I can accept this as the fact that I felt it, that probably this is like a 7th or 8th sense, I don't know. At that moment Zhenya calmed me and said: "Stop. Everything will be good". You know, when a person has chills with fever, I was shaking so much that Zhenya held my knees all night, because I was shaking so much that everything around was moving. He even told me: "Maybe you need to drink something?". I can't take sedatives, I was breastfeeding. He says: "Drink, maybe at least some cognac, because you're shaking, something's happening to you". I said I was scared. He asked me then: "What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that it's war, are you afraid that they're shooting?". I said: "I'm afraid that the children will die or you will die, and I'll be left". He told me then: "Don't be afraid. Everything will be good with our children, and especially with me". On the morning of the 10th we got up, it was very quiet. I'm thinking then too - so quiet. Also this hope that here's victory, everything's over. Now some people will come to us, say that you can go home, everything's over. It was absolutely quiet. We cooked oatmeal, I remember exactly that it was oatmeal. We ate. And Zhenya sat down like this and says: "You know, I'll go. There's still a little gasoline left in the car to charge the girls' tablets". Many people also started writing to me: "This is all fake, you're making it up. What tablets, when there's bombing? This is all untrue". Yes, our children didn't know at all what to do. To somehow relieve this nightmare a little for them, Zhenya charged their tablets so they could play. They had such a game "Puzzles", where you need to build words. We used to play together in the evenings. He says: "I'll go charge, because now it's unknown, if it starts again, we'll sit without light and the candles are already finished. And the little ones will sit without tablets, at least this way they get distracted a little". I even tell him: "Zhenya, maybe you won't go? Let's go later?". Like it's just morning, then we'll go out together, you'll put it on charge. He told me: "No. I'll go now". And literally some second. My youngest son was in my mother-in-law's arms, we were feeding him with a spoon, trying to feed him something so he would eat. Zhenya says I'll go put it on charge, and literally some second and that's it, smoke screen, everything collapses, windows blow out. I run up, see that my girls are whole, everything's normal with them. They ran to me immediately, they were with me in the room in the doorway. I see that everything's good. I go to my son and my mother-in-law, I see that my son is lying on the floor. The frame was blown out by the blast wave, the window and half the wall, it crushed my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law, her head was pierced, she fell, and Vanya fell too. When I ran up, these are some fractions of seconds, I saw that he was lying and on his head, where his nose is, he had a wound. Everything was covered with glass, covered with white whitewash his little face and he wasn't moving. At that moment I thought that's it. I tore off sharply, I didn't even think that maybe you shouldn't tear off this frame like that. I tore this frame off him. Here my mother-in-law ran up, I tore off the frame and scream: "Son, son". I started shaking him hard, really shaking him, I saw that his eyelashes were moving, and he was trying to open his eyes. I picked him up in my arms, I didn't see if anything was broken. I grabbed him in my arms and I started screaming: "Zhenya". I immediately understood that if he didn't come running... Simply Zhenya is such a person for me that he's always where I need... Whatever happens, he's always with me. When I gave birth to children, he was always with me. When there were some difficulties in life, he was always next to me. I understood at that moment that if he didn't come running, if he's not there, then something happened. Mom immediately started screaming: "Zhenya, Zhenya, son". While we went out, everything was blocked there, the exit, while we got out of there... It turns out, I wrapped Vanya in some blanket, I was barefoot, there was metal, pieces of fence, some bricks. And I walked to the car, I knew he went there. I saw that he was under the car and that our godparents were running around somehow, like when in shock. I asked: "Is his head whole? Zhenya! Zhenya! Everything normal? Head whole?". They told me yes, calm down, the head is whole. For some reason I thought then that if everything's good with the head, then we'll overcome everything. I was with the children, and planes continued to fly over us and explosions, somewhere something was falling nearby. There was no street where we were, everything was blocked, all the houses were ruins. And Zhenya told me then: "Go away with the children".

КА: Was he conscious?

ОБ: Yes, he was conscious. He's so strong, simply he's very strong. Probably, he didn't want us to see him like that, because for us he's always our savior, our superhero. Here stood the girls, who didn't understand what was wrong with daddy, why daddy couldn't move. He said: "Go away with the children". Everything was covered, but we found a way to go down into such, like a basement, where they store preserves, but the cover was blown out, so we sat, we went down there and saw that planes continued to fly, somewhere nearby a strong bang and explosions. We went down there. I didn't see what was wrong with my son, I just carried him there. Liza, my daughter, she started crying, said: "Vanya, Vanechka! Mom, Vanya died, Vanya died". She had like hysteria started, some agony: "Mom, Vanya died, his eyes are closed". I found some rag and started cleaning his eyes with my saliva from small glass pieces. He opened his eyes, I put him on sacks, there were some sacks there, and tried to check if nothing was broken - legs, arms, whether he was moving. And he just like... He wasn't moving, he just blinked his eyes and didn't move anything. I thought that maybe he hit his back. At this moment I was thinking through everything, that maybe some operation would be needed, maybe it would be necessary... I was spinning all this in my head. Then we sat, I couldn't stand it anymore, because I didn't know what was wrong with Zhenya, I didn't know what was happening. I climbed out of there with the children and saw that they were carrying Zhenya on a blanket. He was lying on his stomach and there was an arm under him, that is, he wasn't straightening it. I saw that it was Armed Forces of Ukraine, our godmother, Katya, apparently ran to the avenue and found an Armed Forces of Ukraine car. They helped load Zhenya, carry him. I told him: "Zhenya, I love you very much. Please, everything will be good". It turns out, we went out onto the street there, where the car was standing. And I walked behind them, they were carrying him. They put him in the car. I sat with Vanya, with my son, in the front seat and we drove. These military promised that they would bring the girls with mom on the next car. We were driving...

КА: And this was some kind of big car? ОБ: It's like the old "Bobiks" [editor's note: Soviet-era ambulance vehicles], only new, more modern. They laid him back, and we sat on the seat. Over the radio this military man started asking: "Last name, first name, patronymic, year of birth." I made a mistake then and mixed it up. I said that Zhenia's birthday was 30.11, not 30.10. And Zhenia heard this and he shouts, well not shouts, but his voice was such, you could tell it was hard for him to speak, but he was like: "Hey, babe. Not 11, but 10. What's wrong with you?" I was scared, but for me this was some kind of hope that, you know, he was talking. Maybe some damage, but now everything would be okay. Mama before they carried him, taped up his wound with a band-aid, he had a torn wound on his shoulder blade. We talked about it later, mama says that blood wasn't even oozing, there was just like ichor there. Apparently, these fragments, they hit internal organs... They wrote to us, then told us at the hospital, that he had more than 50 shrapnel wounds to internal organs. We got to the hospital, they were also shooting very heavily. At that moment I only wanted one thing – to see the doctors as quickly as possible, so that all this would end well for us. Well in the sense that... I understood that then I was saying let him be without legs, let him not walk, but let God give him life, because we all need him. And these thoughts you know... Sometimes you think that now everything will be okay, sometimes you think that the child, you don't know what's with him. It was already complete hell when we drove into this hospital and we, when... I went in there, I got out first. They told me: "Go to the reception area, and now they'll transfer him to a stretcher and wait there." I ran in with the children, with Vania, into this hospital. I saw that there... Then I finally understood that this was war. I hadn't seen people before with torn-off arms, without eyes, old grannies whose abdominal cavity was torn open. They were lying on the floor because there were so many people, there was no one to care for them and nowhere to put them. This whole corridor was covered in blood, people were lying on the floor, someone was crying, next to some woman stood a guy, saying: "You have to live. We need you. You will live. Hold on." I saw that this woman was missing half her face. It was so... Yes, I saw this horror, but then I was only thinking about understanding that my son, that he would live and so that Zhenia, to understand that the doctors would take him. When we came there, I understood that there weren't enough doctors. I ran to look, I ran through some offices, went in and asked them to look at my son, I don't know what's wrong with him. One of the doctors or I don't know who said: "Okay, let me have a look. Just quickly, there are wounded people here. I can't waste time." I undressed Vania. He felt his arms and legs and said everything's normal with the bones, first glance everything's intact. He had wounds, his forehead was cut up, on his chin and near his ear. He still has scars left, there were such cut wounds. I calmed down that everything was normal with him. I took him in my arms and ran to the corridor to look for where Zhenia was. I ran out of this corridor and saw a stretcher with Zhenia. I ran up to him and just then my girls come running in with mama from the corridor, from the street. We all run up to him together, and I tell him: "Zhenia, everything will be okay." A doctor came up just then and the doctor asks him: "Legs?" He says: "Everything's normal. I'm moving my legs. Everything will be normal." And then he says: "I can't pull out my arm. I can't turn over. I can't feel anything." I thought then, God, everything will be okay. I didn't even think then that I was seeing him for the last time, that I would never again be able to... Never be able to say anything, never be able to hear him. I somehow calmed down, they told me: "We're going to the operating room." I said, of course, yes, go, and that's it. Then my mother-in-law started feeling bad, she had blood loss, her head and arm were injured. I went to look for some doctors to stitch her up. This was difficult because everyone was busy. She lost consciousness, I started screaming. Then some girl came out, said: "Right now-right now-right now we'll stitch." In general, they took her to stitch up her head, I saw that they started stitching up her head. I sat on the floor in the corridor with the children because there was nowhere to sit. We sat there for some time, I don't know how many minutes it was, because at that moment time didn't exist for me. Then a man in uniform came up. I saw that this uniform looked like Emergency Services or something like that. He said: "Girl, you have such small children. Let me take you to the second floor so they don't see all this. There you can wait." I thought that we would wait now. We went up to the second floor. When we went in there, people were just living in the corridor. Wounded people were lying there, some just people who somehow ended up in this hospital. We sat there and stayed for 11 days. In the evening I went to find out... They bombed the hospital very heavily these 3 days when we got there. From planes, walls flew out, windows flew out, where we were sitting, such rebar was sticking out, rods from the wall. It was very cold because the floor, no windows, no doors, no walls, nothing. We were by some little wall. People gave us a mattress, the ones we were already next to. On the evening of the 10th I went to find out how Zhenia was. They wouldn't let me in there because there was shelling going on, bombing. I started asking a woman: "Let me in, my husband is there." But she said: "Girl, aren't you ashamed. There are wounded people here." She closed the door and said no. Then my mother-in-law went after some time, but on the 10th, they told her: "Your son is in ICU, intensive care unit. Everything's fine. Come tomorrow."

КА: Were you on the second floor all this time, and where was this place you went to?

ОБ: This was the operating block.

КА: Is this a different building?

ОБ: No, it's the same building, but you had to go through such a span, like a passage. There was no glass there anymore. When we went there, the nurses warned us to duck down and run quickly because there was shelling going on.

КА: And did they stitch up your mother-in-law quickly, and she joined you?

ОБ: They stitched her up, her whole arm was covered in stitches and they shaved her head to stitch it up. She came there, there was a seven-story building. From the first to the seventh floor there were people who were hiding. I still didn't understand then, because I didn't understand anything at all about what was happening. When we found out that Zhenia was in ICU we thought, so everything's fine, the operation went through and we'll wait. We waited for morning. This night was so long, as if it were a whole lifetime. In the morning there was nothing to eat, no water for the children. Some women brought us cutlets in a container, I don't know where they got them. They gave us these cutlets and said: "Feed the children." In the morning I said that I wouldn't go, I was afraid to go there. My mother-in-law went, she was gone for a very long time. Then I was sitting on the floor in the corridor with Vania, with the girls. I saw that the door opened and my mother-in-law was walking. I immediately understood by her gait that Zhenia was either unconscious, that something was wrong. She came up to me and said: "Olia, give Vania to" – there was a girl we had met, Natasha – "give Vania to Natasha and come with me to the corridor." In that moment thoughts flashed through my mind that maybe Zhenia wouldn't walk or they had amputated his leg. You know, how you picture some things for yourself... We went out, and mama told me: "Olechka, our Zhenia is no more." I heard these words and then I don't remember anything. I have like two days. I only remember that they bombed and I remember that all the people cried, prayed. I don't even remember how I fed Vania. I don't remember any of this. When two or three days passed, Russian soldiers came into the hospital. They came in with machine guns, it was dark, they were shining flashlights. They said: "Everyone out." They sent us down to the basement. It was dark there and very-very cold. We sat there for two hours or more. They were searching for our soldiers throughout the hospital. They said: "Sit here quietly, and everything will be fine." I thought then that they took us there to blow us up there. Why did they need us? We were in their way. They said: "We came here to fight, not babysit you." They told us that we could go to our floor, to our hall, don't be afraid or whatever. We were walking down the corridor, and the Russian soldiers started offering us some cookies. I was walking crying, I was having hysterics. My girls were holding me by my sweatshirt. They were walking, also afraid, because they were pointing machine guns at us and saying everything would be fine. Then I already started to remember a little what was happening to me. I remember that I wanted to go see Zhenia, I wanted to see him. I went downstairs, down there everything was already collapsed, they had completely bombed the reception department. There was nothing there anymore, just some slabs. I found some woman, she was like a nurse, I asked her: "I need to go to the morgue. My husband is there." She said: "Well go. You need to go across the street there, they're bombing there. I won't go with you." I then ran, found some male doctor, he also said: "I can't go with you. I want to return to my family. And I don't advise you to." I said I would go there. You had to go across the street to another department. I went out, went down the steps. And shells started falling right in front of me. Like in some movies when the main character is running and these are falling in front of him. I got scared then. I came back because I knew that I had a son who had nothing to eat, there was no food, no water, he was just hanging on my chest. I came back. Then I had attempts to go there, but they told me that there was no light there, nothing. They had piled corpses of people on top of each other and if you want, go and search yourself. That is, you had to walk among people who had died and look for your loved one's face. Then I understood for myself that I simply couldn't do this. And now I probably regret it, because I didn't see, I didn't see him dead. I couldn't even say goodbye to him. In general, we sat in this hospital. Donetsk People's Republic soldiers came in, they had a leader, I don't know who he was there, he was Caucasian. He also walked around there, I remember some conversations. They started taking people out, someone said: "Who wants to leave, go out on the street and stand in line." While people stood in that line, shells would hit that line and someone would die. To go get some food, like soup, you also had to go downstairs under shells, bombing, in order to get something for the children... They ate this soup made from some rotten fish, but they ate it because it was hot, it somehow saved us then. Then people started walking around themselves. There were some warehouses to take from, bringing loads of ice cream, cream, milk, cookies. There was already food, but it was very scary. At one moment I understood that no one would save us. The only one who would come here for us was Zhenia. Relatives started coming for everyone from the Volodarske direction. Every time the door opened, there was still hope that Zhenia would come, that this was all untrue, and would take us out of here. Then I no longer had anything to heat with, no water, ice-cold water. I asked the soldiers for dry alcohol to somehow heat water for the baby. And I went up to this leader, his name was Lesha, I asked him: "Can you evacuate my family? Me, three children and my mama." I didn't know where, I just wanted to go where they don't bomb, because it was unbearable. We were dying every time. My Liza asked: "Mama, will we die now or tomorrow?" And I went up to him and said: "Can you evacuate my family?" He said to me: "Where do you want me to take you? To a field? What will you do there with your children? Who will feed you there? Sit here, I'll at least give you food here." I understood that this option wasn't ours either, because no one would take us anywhere. That's how we sat there and we understood, we had run to the hospital then, we didn't take our documents, any belongings, nothing at all absolutely. Then my mother-in-law said that probably I needed to go there, where we had been, to this house, and find out if maybe something managed to survive. The in-laws also weren't looking for us, we were waiting for them. Even when the Russian army came in, they came and told us that now you can go out, walk around this area, because here already... They had already captured this territory. Mama said that we needed to go look for documents. I didn't let her go for a long time because of snipers, constantly someone was dying, someone would go to their home and not return, these stories were constant. But March 21st was my mother-in-law's birthday, she woke up and says: "I'll probably go today, because we don't even have documents. We won't even be able now, if they're taking people out, suddenly they'll take us out, but we don't have documents." There were men we were sitting with in the hospital, they helped carry buckets of water, empty buckets. They agreed to escort us because we don't know this area, we didn't know where to go. My mother-in-law went, she was gone for about two hours. I sat praying that she would come back alive. It was very scary because snipers were working and just some... There was a man with us, his whole family died, only he and his son remained. He went with his son, was wheeling him in a stroller, mortar shelling and the son died on the spot. These were such terrible stories. At that moment my mother-in-law comes running, runs into the hospital, into this darkness, into this cold, and shouts: "Olia, Olia, they're evacuating us from here, get ready." I say: "Who's evacuating us?" She says: "I was walking, there was a volunteer car standing, they're looking for women and children. I told them I have a daughter-in-law and three grandchildren. They said yes, good. We have twenty minutes, they're standing, waiting under the hospital." We literally just gathered everything, some warm clothes people had given us there.

КА: Were you in the hospital the whole time?

ОБ: Yes, we were in the hospital the whole time. The only thing, I somehow missed that on about the 17th I managed to ask a girl who was with us in this hospital for a phone. I went up to the eighth floor where everything was destroyed, but some signal was catching there. Everyone said you could call from there. I went up there. The only number I knew was Zhenia's number and my mother's number from Kharkiv. I didn't know any other numbers. I understood that I couldn't call Zhenia because... yes. I called mama, but they told me the number was roaming. I understood that my parents had left for Germany most likely, because their acquaintance was there. Since there was no connection, I just figured this out. I sent an SMS message: "Mama, we're in the hospital. Zhenia is no more. I don't know how we can get out of here." I only prayed that mama would read this message, because my mama is a person of that generation. She doesn't really understand messages, roaming. Two days, I think, just on the 21st I go up again in the morning and see that a reply came to the number: "We're looking for Olia Berezka with three children." Apparently, the relatives didn't know that I had written. Then we already understood when I saw Zhenia's sister, she was looking for us, and there was a video on the internet, a photo where I'm sitting with the children. The press came in, then still, under shelling, made this video, and they found us through the video. They already knew that we were in a hospital, but didn't know which one, and they didn't know our further fate. These were some fragments. And on the 21st we left for Berdiansk. This was some kind of salvation, like returning from hell. When we were leaving, we were running from the hospital, running out, because they were still bombing, shooting and these sounds were in the air. While we were running to the car, my Liza asked: "Mama, where are we running? We need to take papa. We didn't take papa. Why didn't we take papa?" When they found out that papa had died, they heard this, but didn't understand why we left him, where papa was. They evacuated us to Berdiansk. It turned out these people, volunteers, they were believers. We had a hard time getting to Berdiansk because at every checkpoint they asked: "Who are you? Why are you taking them out? How much money did you take?" Although we didn't pay them money, nothing at all. We didn't know who these people were. Just some miracle happened. That's how we got to Berdiansk. And there were already all our relatives who had managed to escape from Mariupol, and there we already met.

КА: In Berdiansk?

ОБ: Yes.

КА: Let's stop at Berdiansk now, I'll return to it. I want to ask a few clarifying questions. While you were in the hospital for 11 days, how did you eat, sleep at all? Where did all this come from?

ОБ: We slept, they gave us a mattress. People were already lying on mattresses there. There was one couple there, a girl and a guy, they called the guy Sasha and Zhenia. They also ended up in this hospital, and they gave us their mattress because of the children. We lived there on the mattress, slept. The first three days when we got there, there was no food there and no water either. There were our soldiers, some unit or the Armed Forces of Ukraine, when they saw that I was with a baby, they gave us some cheese, homemade, for me to eat. There was also a man in uniform, he said: "This is homemade cheese, eat." And water in a one-and-a-half liter bottle, he gave me water and said: "This is for you. Don't give it to anyone because there's no water." They gave the children some chocolate candy. This was like some cookies. I don't know if this was their food, they were just sharing it or what, because actually I remember very poorly. I see some pictures, they come up for me, but I don't remember myself. These three days, as if my memory was knocked out. Then when the Russian army came in, these soldiers of theirs, they started cooking some food on the street. We could come with buckets and take it. Again, this was all under shelling, under bombing. There was a woman, she was a head nurse in this hospital. She also stayed in the hospital because she had nowhere to go, and she couldn't go under the bombing. She gave us some buckets, blankets for the children to cover them. Mama, when she was leaving, when they told her that Zhenia was no more, she saw that some bloody blankets were lying there, apparently from people who were brought. She asked, said: "Can I take them? I have three small children. I have nothing to cover them with." She took these blankets, they were bloody, but we turned them to the other side to somehow warm the children. I slept on the mattress with three children, and mama slept three days sitting on a bench, just sitting. That's how we lived. And then people started going out, men around the area. There were some food warehouses, they apparently opened them and brought food to people, gave out food. Some volunteers came, local residents who started delivering food they found. There was even such a thing that it was very cold, everyone didn't know how to warm up and they brought ice cream. People sat, they took and ate this ice cream because somehow... They took two, three packs. They were afraid they would get full so they wouldn't eat later. This was terrible because there was hellish cold, it was drafty everywhere from all sides, there were no windows, nothing. It turns out many started getting sick. My son got sick, he had a temperature of 40. There was nothing at all to bring down the temperature. Mama went up to the seventh floor, there was some children's intensive care or something. We asked for at least something, but there was no nurofen, no paracetamol, they made analgin, diphenhydramine and something else in a syringe. They said that if the temperature is above 40, then give the injection, there are no more medicines. We used this injection because it was already very bad, he was very hot and he was already, you know, when from temperature the child sleeps and doesn't wake up, and there's nothing to bring it down with. We gave him this injection. Then the temperature rose again, we tried to wipe him with water. This was scary because I understood that I could now lose my little son, because temperature is very scary when you can't bring it down. He was burning all over, but we divided this injection in two. Then on the 21st we left. To this day I'm still trying to treat the children because my children caught an intestinal infection, they caught a cold, they were all vomiting in turns, diarrhea, temperature. And this was all on the road. I still can't get their physical health back to normal. Not to mention their psyche.

КА: Your mother-in-law, Zhenia's mama, what state was she in at the hospital after she found out about her son's death?

ОБ: She's like my Zhenia. These are the most amazing people on the planet because they will sacrifice everything to do everything possible for their loved ones. My mother-in-law is also such a person, she did everything. She walked around, asked, she got some bandages so that somewhere for the girls... Sasha, my older daughter, had an injured finger. The toilets there, there was no sewage, nothing. People just went in that little room wherever. It was already such that these soldiers came in and said: "Either you will clean this yourselves, or I'll shoot everyone. I don't want everyone to get infected with diphtheria." Mama went and washed these toilets, carried out all this nightmare with wounds on her hands in order to somehow find something somewhere. This is the person thanks to whom we survived in the hospital, and didn't stay there. She saved us. Many people tell me that I'm great, I got the children out. Actually, if not for my mother-in-law, I'm sure I would have stayed there and it's unclear how it could have been.

КА: You also said that you told the older children? How were you able to tell them about their papa's death?

ОБ: You know, when mama told me, I don't remember anything after that. Then already when we came to Germany, literally a month ago we were talking about this. Mama said that I was delirious, I called for Zhenia and said that Zhenia would come now... He always bathed the children, only he bathed the children. I said that Zhenia would come now, bathe the children, and we need to go, take the girls to dancing. I said some things as if everything was fine, now Zhenia would come from work, and we'd go for a walk, everything would be fine. When this was all happening with me, apparently the girls understood this themselves. When I already remember myself, I remember that Liza was crying. I asked: "Sweetheart, you're crying. Are you scared?" She said: "No. I'm crying because papa died." I understood that there was no point in somehow delaying the moment, that they already knew everything themselves. Somehow it happened like that, without my participation. They saw it all, it all happened before their eyes, they didn't ask such questions.

КА: You said that the doctors told you about damage to internal organs. What did the doctors tell you in general?

ОБ: To this day this is a mystery, a secret that just kills all of us, because at that moment it was impossible to find out anything. In the hospital all the doctors ran away, some young interns remained, because all the doctors left, they abandoned the hospital and left. When we tried to see the chart, I went and said: "Give me the chart. I want to see the chart." They told us: "Do you see what's happening? What chart? This is impossible." They told mama that he had more than 50 penetrating shrapnel wounds. But we, when we were already here, some of our acquaintances remained there. Mama asked, she called for them to get some certificate at this hospital. A month later, when people went there every day, we managed to get a certificate. A handwritten certificate with Donetsk People's Republic stamps, that... Then they told us that these were shrapnel wounds to the back. Then I found lists on Facebook. Some doctor who fled from there took the lists with him, he posted them online and said that here are the lists of those admitted from March 10th to the hospital, but there was no date of death, nothing was written next to Zhenia's name. I wrote to him: "Good afternoon, I would like to know how I can get some certificate or some conclusion. My husband died." He saw the last name, apparently Berezka, and said: "Yes, your husband died. He had shrapnel wounds" – that is, he confirmed – "to the back." When they passed us the certificate, the certificate says something completely different, that he had wounds to the abdomen and legs, although the legs were intact. They wrote that death occurred at 12:10. Now with this certificate I have a journey ahead... I need to go to court to get this death recognized, to get a certificate. Although I didn't see, I couldn't bury him. To this day all this, you know, there are graves, we can't even find the lists. Through friends who stayed there, they went, tried to find these lists. There are no lists, no one knows anything. From the 10th and until mid-March there's no information at all about where the bodies from this hospital were buried. When we left on March 21st, the bodies were still... That is, Zhenia's body was still there, no one was taking anyone out. They just piled them there. Then everything is lost, there's no information. I don't know where to turn next and how to live with all this in general. They said there were two large mass graves, there were 7000 people, that he's possibly there. But no one will ever know because there's occupation there now. There's no possibility of even searching.

КА: This is just some kind of hell on earth. Let's return to the moment when they evacuated you. These volunteers who took you out, were they from Russia or Ukraine?

ОБ: No. They were from Dnipropetrovsk. We were driving, and I only managed to ask: "Are you believers?" They said: "Yes, we're believers. Let's pray now in our own words so they'll let us through." They started stopping us at checkpoints, they started asking us questions about what their names were and who this was. I just blurted out that we were believers. I said that these are believers, and they're taking us out. They asked us: "Are you also believers?" I say "Yes," – "You didn't pay them money?" – "No." They asked several times like that. But we really didn't pay them anything. I saw them for the first and last time. The only thing was when there was still a period when we were in Poland, when we were leaving, a message came on Viber, to my mother-in-law's phone. One of these guys wrote, he asked: "Good afternoon. I would like to know, are you all right? Were you able to get where you wanted?" We didn't understand who this was at first, and then mama says this was the guy who was driving. We don't know who this is, we only know that they're from Dnipropetrovsk, that's what they said and that's all.

КА: And where did they take you from Mariupol?

ОБ: They took us to Berdiansk. They were going to Dnipropetrovsk in general, but since we needed to go to Berdiansk, all our relatives turned out to be there. We found this out on the road when we tried to call. We said: "Can you take us to Berdiansk?" They said: "Yes, of course. We'll take you." After that I didn't see them, only this SMS on Viber came to mama.

КА: That is, when some connection appeared, you were able to call relatives?

ОБ: Yes, we called. Vika, my husband's sister, said: "Ours are all in Berdiansk. Everyone's sitting there, everyone was able to leave." I started listing the last names of our relatives. She says: "Yes, yes, Olia, everyone's alive, come there." We came there, our friends met us, a couple. We stayed two days in Berdiansk. My children were very sick, we went to the hospital there too, there were also no medicines in Berdiansk. But we had such a situation that to go further, we needed a personal car, or by bus. There were some lists, but there was such a big line that we couldn't even sign up for evacuation from Berdiansk. We sat and just hoped for a miracle because we had nothing to hope for. We have a big family, no one would take us. You know how "I'll take a passenger to take out," but we have three children, not everyone would want to take such responsibility. The road there was very scary with explosions, with checkpoints, but there were relatives in Berdiansk, and they were leaving. They called us in the evening and said: "We're taking you. You're coming with us." We didn't hesitate, they told us this was scary, they shoot people there, maybe you should wait in Berdiansk. And in the morning in Berdiansk an explosion thundered, something in the port just exploded. I understood that we couldn't wait, we had no choice, this was a chance to move further. We had the task of getting to Poland, to my husband's sister. We had to somehow get there. So we, it turns out, with our relatives traveled this long scary path from Berdiansk to Zaporizhzhia. Very many checkpoints, very much Russian equipment. Soldiers who constantly interrogated: "Why are you going? Where are you going? Give our regards to your Vova. Such horror will be everywhere. Where are you running? If you want to run from war, you need to go in the other direction. All over Ukraine it will be like this." It was very scary because when we were driving, there were blown-up cars standing, there were quite a lot of them. When we were driving, something was constantly exploding behind us too. This was such a path to luck, that is, either yes or no. Some settlement, there was a big stop. We weren't driving alone, there were already many cars, Vasylivka, I think, a settlement where they blew up the bridge. A column of civilian cars was already driving. They stopped us in some village that was burned out, said: "We're waiting for escort, police. They'll drive you through because there are landmines there." We waited for the police, and they took us to Zaporizhzhia, to "Epicenter," a former supermarket, they put us on a bus there. We came to a kindergarten, spent the night. And already went further to Dnipropetrovsk with relatives.

КА: That is, with you were relatives, your children and your mother-in-law?

ОБ: There was my mother-in-law, my children, her niece with her husband and two more women. They somehow also jumped into this car back in Mariupol, there was such a bus. They were shooting on the street, the niece's husband couldn't kick people out anymore. He promised that you'll already be leaving with us. That's how we traveled. In Dnipropetrovsk they brought us to acquaintances where we could stop. My half-brother in Germany, he asked some friends who had a house in Dnipropetrovsk. These are some stories from tenth hands. They also received us very well, a woman there, we were able to stay there a little, two or three days. They called a doctor for the children because my son had pneumonia. That's how we left for the territory of Ukraine.

КА: How long did your journey from Mariupol to unoccupied Ukraine take approximately?

ОБ: Berdiansk was already occupied then, I just understood very poorly then. We left on the 21st, stayed in Berdiansk two days and went to Zaporizhzhia.

КА: That is, 4 days?

ОБ: Something like that. I just don't remember anymore. I remember that in Berdiansk we spent two nights and left. And we ended up in Zaporizhzhia in the evening. They took us with the children to a kindergarten, there were also very many people there. We spent the night in the kindergarten, and went to Dnipropetrovsk already.

КА: This was still March?

ОБ: Yes. Because we only entered German territory on April 12th. And before that we were two weeks in Poland with my husband's sister.

КА: How did you get from Dnipropetrovsk to Poland?

ОБ: From Dnipropetrovsk already my sister's husband from Kharkiv, he used to do car transportation. He agreed to help because he knows us, knew my Zhenia. He loved him very much, respected him very much. He said: "I'll come, pick you up from Dnipropetrovsk and drive you to the border with Poland." And we also traveled, the children felt very bad, the road was hard, but like that, in some really miraculous way they took us out, because when I tell this, some people doubt: "You made up this whole story. This is all untrue." Many from Russia write to me that how is it, they just took you out. Just yes, somehow it all worked out like that.

КА: How did you in such a terrible state make the decision that you needed to leave for Europe? Or did someone help you make this decision?

ОБ: There was no such decision at all and there was not the slightest understanding of what was happening with our country. No news, I didn't know anything. We only had one circumstance – there was my husband's sister in Poland. She said: "You need to get to me. Everything will be fine. I'll meet you. Everything will be fine." We somehow set this goal that we needed to get to Poland. When we got to Poland, we had nowhere to return because to Mariupol... It's clear what's happening there. To Western Ukraine, I had some attempts, but I understood that I didn't have a single hryvnia of money. So this option also immediately fell away. I had no money at all because before the war my husband and I made the decision to invest everything, he bought in addition to the car service station also a tire service. We put all our savings, whatever we had, around 5000, he invested it all to expand the business, to work. And there was no money at all. I had a card that children's benefits came to, but this card burned somewhere there under the rubble. Accordingly, I was simply left with nothing, without clothes and without shoes. I came to Berdiansk in socks, barefoot. I'm telling you so you understand that I didn't make this up, that this is true.

КА: I don't doubt your words for a second. People who say this don't know what war is. ОБ: Then we didn't really have much choice where to be. And now too. I keep saying that I want to return, I want to go where my home is, I want to go to Ukraine. I understand that my city doesn't exist, but I still believe that it will be liberated. I, of course, don't want to return there after everything, because for me this is a wound, open forever. But I still want to go to Ukraine, but I understand that I have nothing there, no housing, nothing. All of this for now remains only in plans, and how it will be further – I don't know. But I want to return home.

КА: Not to Mariupol, probably?

ОБ: Well to Mariupol... I believe in our victory, I want all the territories to be returned, but I have nothing left. I don't have housing, I don't have the person who was always nearby, he could move mountains for me, for the children. Nothing is left. I don't know. That's why we're in Europe, because this was the only way out of the situation for me.

КА: Then you stayed two weeks in Poland. And then?

ОБ: And then we were thinking what to do. To stay in Poland – housing is very expensive there. I understood that now all the responsibility is on me. I had never in my life thought about anything, because I had Zhenya, he was always like: "I'll solve everything, why do you need to do anything if you have me? I'm always nearby." And then I realized that I was left alone, I need to think how to be at all. I started finding out about work in Poland. I realized that even if I work from morning till night, it would be very difficult for me. Renting housing there is very expensive. I have a half-brother in Germany for 5 years already, he wrote me a message: "If you want, I can help you. You'll come, and we'll find you a family where you'll live for the first time. They'll pay you some allowance for children, you'll at least be able to step back a little from all this to understand how to live further." So that's what I did, because this was one option out of one option.

КА: That is, this was the only option?

ОБ: Yes, because I myself am from Kharkiv, but in Kharkiv the house was also hit. My parents also left, but they left earlier. They were in Kharkiv, Kharkiv was open, from Kharkiv it was possible to leave. They managed to leave on an evacuation train.

КА: Also to Germany?

ОБ: Yes, but they're far away. They're near Berlin, and I'm not far from Munich. We were taken in by a German family, a very good family, they treated us like family. For that period while we were with them, just the attitude like that, I was very surprised and still am. I started asking myself the question: if people came to our country like that, would I be able to accept people like that? I then sat and thought. After all this I answered myself the question, that now yes, I would accept, but possibly, not knowing, not understanding, probably, I would have been incapable of such a thing as they, because this... I could never think that such a thing could be, that refugees – these are people who really flee from something terrible, and not just travel in search. And now too... Many Germans, Europeans say: "You need to get established. You want to stay, don't you." At my older daughter's school the teacher says: "You need to stay here." They're surprised when I answer that no, we want to go home, we'll go home, we'll definitely return to our home. I still miss very much and want very much.

КА: And in general quite a lot of time has passed, you've been in Europe quite a long time. How do you experience all this?

ОБ: Very hard, because every day waking up or not waking up, I haven't slept for 5 months already. You read all these news, that here a child was hurt, like this, like this. And here your school was damaged, where you studied, and there neighbor aunt Ira died. I experience this hard, because I essentially can't... can do nothing to somehow change anything. I feel like a person who can't help with anything and can't do anything about this. Therefore it's difficult for everyone, difficult because everything happened like this.

КА: How do you live without your beloved? What has changed?

ОБ: I feel very lonely, although around me there are constantly people, my brothers came to visit and my family supports me very much, but I feel lonely, because... I don't know, probably every woman who is loved, who lived like a flower that is cared for, that is loved, when you loved... I every day, every day I waited for Zhenya. When he was driving from work, he always called me and said: "Honey, I'm driving. Should I buy you something? What do you want today?" You look at the clock, so, 6 o'clock. And you wait for this call, you wait that now he'll come and say: "Did you have a bad dream again?" But this doesn't happen. Every day you wait, what if this is some kind of mistake. Although with my brain I understand that there can't be any mistake. I feel lonely, I don't feel that I'm living. Life became somehow gray, there are no colors. I miss him very much. Sometimes it seems to me that it's very unfortunate that under the bombing we didn't all die together, because this is unbearable. With each day everything is more and more unbearable. There was such a moment that I thought, what if we hadn't had everything so good and what if we had something bad, what if I suddenly found out something bad now, maybe it would be easier for me. We had a life together, we were like puzzles, like two puzzles that fit perfectly to each other. This doesn't mean that we didn't argue. We had... It's just this is a person who was given to me by God. I believe that God still brings people together, that there are pairs. Zhenya is my pair in everything 100%.

КА: I can't imagine how it is for you.

ОБ: His last words were about the children. I sometimes have it that it seems to me that my death would be relief, because living with such pain it's like... This is not life, this is just you exist. So you lived one day and okay, lived another day and okay. It's been like this for 5 months already. I sometimes think like this, that possibly this would be the best option. Then I understand that if Zhenya heard me, he would tell me: "So, honey, what are you saying?" We wanted children. All our children, we planned them. This is not just, you know, like it happens, that it happened or something else. They're all very desired and all planned. Vanya was really prayed for, because there were problems, his birth was questionable. I always think about what I will leave them, what life I will leave them, if suddenly I give up. I was always selfish, because... I thought that it would always be like this. Everything will be as I want. This whole story showed me that happiness turns out can have deadlines, can have time limitations.

КА: You said that the last words were about children.

ОБ: When I was telling you that the girls ran into the passage of the medical facility, when they were brought on the second car. I ran up to Zhenya, and they ran up. He saw the children and said: "Why are you with the children? Take the children away." These were the last words. He didn't tell me that "I love you" or something else. He said: "Take the children away." This just once again speaks to the fact that he always thought about someone. I'm sure that he was in very much pain, unbearably, but he still thought that children shouldn't see all this nightmare. Now my task is to make it so that they can at least forget what they saw. These bloodied bodies, headless, without arms, without legs, with internal organs wide open. I understand that I can't, that I have three more people who... My Zhenya is in them. I see his facial features every day, I see his mannerisms, I see his smile. I miss him very much strongly and believe very much that we will meet. But just how to live on this earth without him, I don't know yet.

КА: And what about your children? They saw all this. They understand to one degree or another that daddy is no more. How do they cope?

ОБ: My older daughter cried very much. Especially at night, we would go to bed, she cried. I understood why she was crying, I would come to her, say: "Daughter, I know why you're crying. I know that you miss very much. I know that you very much want daddy to be nearby." I try to explain to her that daddy is nearby, he sees us. It's just he was a very-very good person, they need such people there, warriors who will do good deeds and protect us. To my younger daughter I told a story that daddy is in heaven, he's building a house for us there, he's preparing a beautiful house for us, so that when we get there, we live in a house like we lived in our house. Of course, I run into such questions: "Why can't daddy hug us? Why our daddy, why exactly him did they take?" All this is very painful. This is every day, it's not like today she remembered, and tomorrow or the day after tomorrow she just walks, plays, every day some echoes. They see photographs, I printed many of our photographs. We had a tradition before New Year to do a family photo session. And photographs are everywhere. They say that here is our daddy. Sometimes Liza says: "Mom, I'm forgetting daddy. I'm forgetting his face. Give me your phone, I'll look at photographs." From these words it hurts me, but I understand that this is a child and, of course, I give her my phone. She looks at photographs, videos with daddy and says: "What a voice daddy has! How I love him!" I ask myself the question, that possibly everything could have been different. Then, March 8th, we were trying to return home, maybe we should have continued driving further? These constant thoughts overcome me, I'm constantly searching for an answer. Could I have saved him? Could I have prevented it? Could I have delayed him for a second, and he would have survived? Could I have said that we're not going anywhere from home? Or could I have on February 26th persuaded him differently, to leave when there was such a possibility? These thoughts will constantly be with me. I still don't know where and how he's buried and whether he's buried. This is all terrible.

КА: What helps you hold on at all?

ОБ: The only thing that helps me is when morning comes and dawn breaks and I watch how my son wakes up. He wakes up, immediately smiles and goes to kiss me. Only our children and nothing more. Nothing more exists in this life to somehow stop me, give me some strength and desires to do something and just live. Only my children. I thought about the fact that I see many girls who lost their beloved. It so happened that they don't have children. I think that I wouldn't have coped without them. I wouldn't have coped.

КА: I read about the tattoo at your place. Can you tell me?

ОБ: I got two tattoos already after all this: first is the infinity sign on my wrist with our names – Evgeny and Olga. And the second is... Zhenya, he was such a romantic with me. Every birthday of mine or some holiday he wrote notes, because he left early so as not to wake me, he necessarily left a note in the morning, a gift and flowers. One of the notes was preserved with things that managed... An acquaintance, he went to Mariupol recently, he managed to go into our house and take a pile of some documents. We also had a hit on the house, I was completely surprised when I saw Zhenya's note. I think, five years ago on my birthday he wrote a note: "Beloved, you slept very sweetly. I won't wake you, but know that I love you very much. Here's a gift. And if you want something for the evening, then you definitely plan, we'll do it." Well, there to the movies or something like that. I took this note and went to the master. The words: "I love you very much" in his handwriting they made for me on my collarbone. I believe very much in the power of words, especially in the power of words that are on the body. Therefore I wanted it like this, I want it like this. For someone this is incomprehensible, someone thinks that I drowned in my grief and became completely somehow inadequate, but I absolutely understand everything. This is my such vision. He is a person who deserved to live on this earth. He was very kind, courageous. He was very strong, reliable. I always knew that I could be calm, because I always had Zhenya nearby, whatever happened, I knew that even if the sky fell on earth, if Zhenya is nearby with me, then everything will be good. These are not just words. We were in different situations: and some illnesses, and when I gave birth to children, there were also complications. He was always nearby with me, held my hand. He always told me: "Everything will be good. I'm nearby. Know that I'm nearby." And Zhenya deserved to live very long. He should have raised children, because I know that he is exactly the person who could give them much and he gave them, until all this happened. Therefore I want the children to always remember him. Even Vanechka, he's very small, but I'll tell him. I already now, we always look at photographs with him and he knows where daddy is. He takes my phone, daddy is with me on the screensaver, he says "Daddy" and smiles. I want them to know and never forget that their daddy is the best father in the whole universe, because this is true. The best husband, the best person for me. When I think about how to raise a boy, I would so want him to be the same as Zhenya. I told my mother-in-law: "Mom, how did you raise such a Zhenya? Help me now raise Vanya so that he'll be the same." She said that we'll definitely raise him.

КА: Is she with you?

ОБ: Yes, she's with me. I managed to bring grandmother out from Mariupol later. Zhenya's grandmother, Zhenya's mother – they're with me.

КА: It seems to me that all those who tell you something just haven't experienced grief.

ОБ: I always think like this, but I would never wish anyone to experience this, because this is the most terrible thing that could happen in life.

КА: I don't really imagine how you hold on, but it's great happiness that you're so strong and that your children have such a mother.

ОБ: Thank you for these words. I'm actually very weak, but I love my husband very much and know that he chose me, therefore he believed in me. So I can't do otherwise.

КА: I understand that it's very difficult for you to tell all this, but I'm very grateful to you for this.

ОБ: I prepared myself for this for a long time. Thank you very much too for this conversation.